Anti-Valentine's Day Poetry Competition

Sick of Valentine's Day? Teeth a-gnash?
Cheer up with our wonderful news:
You and five mates could win bangers and mash!
(Though you'll have to buy your own booze)

Write in your best anti-Valentine's Day angst in verse. The best poem wins dinner for 6 on or around Febuary 14th at The Big Bang. One winner will be selected from Oxford entries, and one from Bristol entries. This competition is being run in tandem with BBC Radio and Daily Info.

The competition ends 11th February.

2008 Entries

Below are some of the entries from this year that we like:

There once was a woman called Dee,
Who was single and happy and free,
When they asked, 'will you wed?'
She laughed, shaking her head,
That eponymous woman called Dee.

She was merry and full of good cheer,
Till once, near the start of the year,
A rumour distressed her,
And almost depressed her,
So exceedingly horrid to hear.

There is, rumour whispered, a day
Most dreadful to all those who stay
Single, loveless and lone
Till young years have flown
When for this affliction they pay.

For lovers in hoards and in droves,
Oft dressed in each other's clothes,
Are showered with roses,
Their pidges with posies,
And send each other poems that don't scan or rhyme.

It's as if all whose companies pay
In excess of 55K
Should choose to parade
And thus to downgrade
The poor one particular day.

Just think of the outrage there'd be,
The comments from York to Dundee,
And the people would scream,
'It's tasteless, extreme,
Such virulent mocking to see!'

And as for the maiden Miss Dee,
Her story is brief so you'll see,
A tale so tearful
Most dreadfully fearful
Never the like did I see.

For when she saw flowers and hearts
Roses and cupids with darts,
She suddenly died
But nobody cried,
Busy feeding each other with tarts.

Now the moral I draw from this tale,
To survive Valentine's and not fail,
The answer is clear,
You've guessed it I fear,
Lots and lots and lots and lots of sausage.

~ Liz A

One morning, during breakfast, I had a nasty start;
While swallowing my Cheerios I choked up my heart.
It freaked me out, I must admit, still pulsing in my bowl,
The size of it surprised me, since regurgitated whole,
And in my chest, an emptiness I couldn't quite console.

I washed and dressed as normal, though feeling rather sick,
For strangely grieved, I couldnt leave the thing which made me tick.
I shoved it in a sandwich bag a piece of modern art
And potted it in Tupperware, my warm and beating heart.
For vascular dependency we couldnt be apart.

At work I grew embarrassed; my secret was grotesque,
If people knew the bleeding truth, now underneath my desk.
I had to leave the office once, to take a brief repose,
Convinced I heard it thudding just like Edgar Allen Poes.
But whether I imagined it, well, no one really knows.

That night I turned in early, I slid into my bed,
Our aortic antagonist lay sticky by my head.
Once Id drifted off to nod, my torso tore in half,
And then began a handsome man to save my breaking heart.
Since I awoke, no longer broke, I thankfully impart
When you are sad, at least be glad you didn't lose your heart.

~ Matt

As I eat my sausages and mash
I think of those romantic men wasting their cash,
Their roses are red, violets are still blue
they book at their local Tandoori restaurant and order a Vindaloo.

The service is rushed, and they try to speak in hushed
voices their romantic dulcit tones, or should I say drones
They've said them before, they eat in a rush,
pay the bill and disappear through the door.

They drink till they can't think, they forget her name
They are not to blame, it was the vindaloo, It was the drink, oh I can't think!
Did I cause you pain when I used my ex-wife's name?
Oh what a shame, alone on Valentine's again.

~ Maysa

Kissy-Pissy, Kussy-Pussy,
Leave me please and go away,
I had too much in this 5 years,
I want to be ALONE for this Valentine's Day!!!

~ Wanna BE SINGLE

It's Valentine's and love is in the air
And I would really rather not be there,
When courting couples all take to the streets
and fill the air with "Darling!"s and "My Sweet!"s.
Watch any pair, they all behave the same,
With burning lips and eyes that are aflame:

He holds her hand and carries all her bags.
He eats her cooking and (almost) never gags.
She tells him he is manly through and through
And nurses him through serious man-flu.
He tells her she is beautiful and witty.
She blushes in a way that's Oh-so-pretty.
They dine together: he eats of her plate,
Gives her his salad which he claims to hate.
He buys her chocolates, roses, diamonds too.
She kisses him, assures him she is true.

But I am forced to carry my own things,
And answer my own mobile when it rings.
I may be bitter, but it should be no shock.
To learn that all I really want is...

Sausage.

~ Kirsty Merran

Roses are red; violets are blue.
I know it's hackneyed, but so are you.
Now you're not around, I've with plenty of cash,
so I'll go and console myself with bangers & mash...
...and five friends who appreciate me.

~ Nick Wilkes

Maximus, Nebulus, Philippo and Suse,
Plus two young ladies and plenty of booze.
Will all meet up for a party one night,
So long as Max gets into a fight,

~ Philippo El Ricardo

his valentine and her enitnelav

onceuponatime
they were young lovers
i mean
young in body young in heart young in brain then the daily lifewormparasite settled in right under the skin of the eye shortchanged them into normal pink people of the champus and redrosesredheart type fake romance forced sex feministfreedomfrolics familygrindwork ohgimmiabreak officialhappysnappyclicks until they got sick really badly sick of it all and snapped into highfive to antivalentine

~ Tutebe

I'm sorry it's all so commercial.
I'm sorry it all seems so hard.
I''m sure that it is just a bit of a swizz,
And another excuse to sell cards.

I'm sorry the stations play love songs.
I'm sorry towns covered in hearts.
I'm sorry you're sad, and Im sorry he's bad,
I'm the sorriest girl in these parts.

Thing is, I spent years being single,
And I know the fourteenth kills you dead,
But now I've found a chap, and don't need to feel crap,
I refuse to feel guilty instead!

~ Cee

'What did you do this evening, dear?'
Troilus asked Criseyde, supping a speciality beer.
'Oh, you know, nothing much, saw a couple of plays.'
He nodded lovingly, her face was ablaze.

Red as wine jus, she turned from his gaze,
But so enamoured was he and forever amazed
By her hair that was soft as Rose mash and as sweet
As cabbage cooked only at the perfect heat,

That she could have risen up to her feet
And cried Troilus! Fetch me at once organic meat,
It is what I require and do truly desire.
And he would have dispatched to Lincolnshire.

But no plays had she seen that eve, not she,
Who had cavorted instead with Diomedes.
Poor Troilus, how can he accept her betrayal?
Perhaps things will look better after that nice pale ale.

~ somervillerose

Why would we enshrine a day
To fritter all our dosh away?
We'll prove our love with cards and food,
To disagree is more than rude.

A cynic! all the lovebirds shriek
A philistine, a fool, what cheek!
While here we sit, we hardy few
Who've had enough, no more will do;

We fall in love, we laugh, we cry
But every year we heave a sigh,
For she expects a three-course meal
As if this holiday is for real;

Not just a crass and hollow ploy
To make more money from our joy.
Valentine's Day could disappear
And men would all be filled with cheer.

But most will never admit such things,
They'll keep on buying hats and rings.
Thanks, Big Bang, for letting me say
That I have always felt this way;

I'd far prefer to eat with friends,
And wait till that inane day ends.

~ Alex

You lot are fantastic!
Ill-educated, I felt the need to get drastic
So picked up my pen and cast down my mash:
It's time to enter this poetry clash!

Where titans of wordage do battle each day
and I'm left with a task, filled with dismay -
How do I choose the best from this bunch?
Perhaps I should give everyone lunch!

Happy Valentine's and beyond...!

~ Max, from The Big Bang!

Oh no! Here comes Valentine's Day
Another commercial excuse for a roll in the hay
But not for my gang
We're off to Big Bang
And hoping we don't have to pay!

~ Toddie, 07/02/08

One would think he had the world,
Ghengis Khan, Mongol warlord.
But not a truffle, a crème, or a single bon bon
Has ever been sent to the great Ghengis Khan.

In battle, while he slays the foe
He wonders what’s a lover’s row?
As he impales a head upon a spike,
He wonders what a kiss is like?

On Valentine’s Day, his heart does ache
As he leads his army to loot and rape.
His spirit as heavy as his chain mail,
Ghengis Khan dreams of a dainty female.

For the leader of the Mongol horde
Would simply like to be adored.

~ A. Pirate

Cynic

I am so glad that we have Valentine’s Day,
To enlighten us all on how to say
Those magical words, you know the three,
Because on Valentine’s Day, love doesn’t come for free.

Buy an oversized bear,
To show that you care,
Or a mini heart-shaped cake,
Displaying the commitment you could make.
Express your desire with a balloon,
It’ll make all the ladies swoon.
And for the men you can’t go wrong,
With a romantic novelty thong.

Yes, I am so glad we have Valentine’s Day,
Without it we would surely go astray.
Let us never have traditional notions of love come back,
All that we want is tack tack tack!

~ 07/02/08

You always were so good in bed,
Slightly less so now you're dead.
But there's still colour in your cheeks,
Let's try it for another week!

~ Necro Nigel

Oh God, here it comes again
That Valentiney, whiney, commercialistic opportunity
To send your loved one flowers
The smell of which just over-powers
To write sweet nothings in cheap cards
The words eventually to become malicious shards
Of glass that once champagne did flow
Like many arrows from cupid's bow

Too drunk then to realise
At once were we hypnotised
Into love's sweet, sickly smell
Until reality hit us and dissipated the bubble-like spell

So now we look forward to Valentine's day with dread
Wishing at once that we and our love are dead!!

~ artysi

Send me no cards; please spare me from cupid,
For it’s well known that winged-babies are stupid.

Don’t speak to me in your sickly-sweet rhymes,
Or I’ll pack you off to a college for mimes.

Bring me no roses, white, pink or red.
For if one thorn pricks me, you’ll wish you were dead.

Don’t leave me chocolates, shell-shaped or not,
I’m allergic to sugar; I’ll break out in spots.

Take me for no loving walks by the Isis,
I’d much rather work through a dire essay-crisis.

Buy me no drinks, no gin and no tonic,
I’ll just pity you for the gesture moronic.

If, on this Thursday, you make my teeth gnash,
It best be because of my sausage and mash.

~ A. Pirate

Sonnet, number 14.

Oh, not another Valentine sonnet,
Oh Please! Give me a break – I am going to vomit.
No heart-shaped card; no rhymes from The Bard,
Make sitting, alone, tonight, twice as hard.

For-yes, I admit –I am supremely single,
So, even clichés from Hallmark cause a tingle
…of lust? Of delight? Of disgust? Of relief?
Just a glimmer of hope to promote self belief.

Instead, this most miserable, Feb’ry 14th
Imbues me with egotistical grief.
My wine-bottle-microphone echoes my curse:
“Please let me receive one Valentine verse”.

‘You are my sunshine, my love, mon amour, mein wunder’.
Oh, c’mon, get a grip! I am going to chunder.....

~ K. Robinson

This year I'll burn your Valentines.
And as they crackle and curl on the fire
they will cry out with their last breath:
I want you.
I need you.
I love you.
Each one a liar.

~ Pookiemon

Alone this year

Valentines is the date that I most loath
Ever since I was left by my betrothed
She left me standing at the alter
And ran away with that sod from Malta

At first I cried myself to sleep
Then I found out the address of that creep
So at nights I no longer watch the clocks
Instead I put poo through his letterbox.

I think I might never love again
Now spending my nights getting wrist sprain
I struggle from my personal Hades
As I cope with trying not to hate all ladies

So I am going to get myself out the house
And decide whether I am a man or a mouse
I shall sell all her clothes and gather the cash
And get down the pub for some bangers and mash!

~ Nickos

Impending Valentines Humiliation

Shall I just stay under the duvet?
And glug last nights Chardonnay
For I am not going to show my single face this Valentines Day

Couples are everywhere, polluting the streets
With their matching cagoules and sickly sweets
Spouting vomit inducing poetry, with the help of Keats

It’s like a crap secret club…only couples need apply
And suddenly your billy-no-mates because you haven’t got a guy

But still with a flutter off home you trot
Because the postman comes at 12 on the dot
JOY, RAPTURE, A CARD, your face splits into a grin

But it’s only a card from your gran, saying thanks for putting out her bin

~ Suddenly Single

Valentines Day Is Crap

The shame of being single, on this cold and gloomy day
Is enough to make anyone go out of their way
To avoid the embarrassment and the humiliation
Of admitting to not receiving one crappy rose or a skanky carnation

It seems you are the only single person in the entire universe
Suddenly becoming an invalid or a leper with a curse
Everyone else is festooned with teddies, cards and choccy filled with rum
While the only card you get is from your mum

"Why!" you scream to the heavens "Has everyone else got someone!"
Even the mangy cat has someone to sniff her bum
Happy couples plan romantic breaks and happily they mingle
And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful if you're single

But I'm not gonna cry, guzzle wine and go after any old sap
Because the whole world knows Valentines Day is crap

~ Nayo

Through the letter box they drop
On to the front door mat they plop
Thick envelopes addressed to me
I gather them in my arms with glee

Friends look on with jealous stare
at the hearts and flowers and cupids bare
The sender must be rather shy
and nobody knows that more than I

They haven't signed a name you see
but I love them best

they're
all
from
me.

~ jubbly

MY LOVIN' APPETITE...

The cards are printed by December,
When Christmas drunks do not remember
That there ever was a day for lovers
For candy hearts beneath the covers.

But we’re reminded in the New Year
Just as winter hits its nadir
That shiny Valentine’s cards need selling
To the coalition of the willing:
Happy couples, lonely losers
The beggars who cannot be choosers
The ranks of randy singletons
Who’d beg for love from anyone.

“It’s not that bad,” the lovers say
It’s warm with us – out there it’s wetter.
Well, it’s not that bad, but it ain’t that great
And I know something better.

For keeping out the winter wash
Forget those cards; those soppy wishes
Eat bangers heaped on snowy mash –
There’s always room for kisses.

~ DB

21ST CENTURY LOVE

If you don't need me
You can delete me

If you don't want me in
Drag me into your bin

But if you'll woo me
You can Yahoo me

You could give me a place
in your MySpace

In this world of make-pretend
Allow me to be your Messenger friend

We can have a little snog
If we start our own blog

We could stickr
Together on Flickr

Please let me be your wife
In your Second Life

But if you don't need me
You can delete me

If you don't want me in
Drag me into your bin

(Etc.)

~ Juliet Utd

Two weeks to go till darkness falls,
We hide our shame behind closed walls,
Keep secret feelings locked away
Ne'er to touch the light of day.

The fantasies we keep within
Enable us to lift our chin
And keep on with our daily toil
Yet 'neath the surface passions boil

Of far off days, through mists of time
The epoch of St Valentine;
When knights were bold and maids were fair,
And girls wore flowers in their hair

When romance was but more than fleeting,
When "love you" was more than a greeting,
When flames alight inside were penned
To burn and break the hearts of men.

Yet now the quills are set aside,
Gallant steeds put out to ride,
Maidens in their dresses fade
And leave behind the light of day.

We shall get cards and maybe flowers
Champagne dinners pass the hours,
Lots of effort, lots of make up,
Worrying before you wake up.

We may not get swept off our feet,
And Feb 14 may pass but fleet,
But within, the armour shines,
The mem'ries of St Valentine.

~ Long Time No Write

I saw her and at once I longed
For her, not knowing she belonged
Entirely to that twisted seam
Of wrongness known as Academe.

Each Academic is deranged,
From every virtue full estranged.
All that the ordinary deem
Of value, thence flees Academe!

The men, without exception, toads.
Strangers all to moral codes.
The women, vile, intoxicated,
Naught of them shall be related.

Of those afflicted by this curse
I do accept that some are worse
No-one than her, she claims, abstemier,
But only within Academia.

Alas, I cannot break these chains
I lack the strength, I lack the brains.
But others from my woe may learn
And so not suffer in their turn.

So if you freely give your heart,
Please heed these words before you start.
Let not in vain be this polemic,
My child, don't love an Academic!

~ Simple Sausage

I don't think you're fantastic
I don't think you are great
In fact of all the guys I know
You're the one I hate

I couldn't give a fig for you
You're just a waste of space
And has anyone ever told you
You've got an ugly face

So that's it then I've made my point
You now know where I stand
So having got that off my chest
Valentine, take my hand!

~ Bitter (not Twisted)

I most certainly would…

thank you for a valentine, which you’ll doubtless say is cliché’d
and cheapened and commercial but if you could just put aside
your very worthy principles, then I’d be gladdened, gracious,
grateful in roughly equal measures and would express this in ways
I feel could bring you pleasure too. Now chocolates could be tricky,
not to mention, in bed, sticky. They could hint at slight
suggestions that you think that I don’t think about the roundness of my tum,
or skin blemishes that might possibly accrue,unless of course, it’s just one or two,
truffles, heart-shaped, fair trade and beautifully packaged, or maybe kilos, very plain,
but that would be for an altogether different sort of game.
Flowers -well – less is more if we’re talking about scented
and exquisite. Perfection. But if we’re not, buy up the shop.

More is more. Shower me with flowers. Now you know my tastes in books;
you perhaps could look for a slim tome to present to me
between the main dish and the pud of the most romantic meal
somewhere by the water, which I’d not got round to mentioning,
cos I’d rather hoped you might just think of it yourself. Now perfume’s

a bit last year; you should give scent a miss. But as for something
that comes in a small velvet box - bliss. Be bold, but hold onto
the receipt, my darling. And if you play your cards right; I know
this hasn’t so far been your style, you’ll find I’m most receptive.
I smile. I can be sweet; giving will reap its own rewards!

~ jane doh, 01/02/08

what's in a red rose, that you gave me today?
have you been up to something, and now you pray,
pray this rose will fix the guilt that hangs ov'r you,
cos its valentines day,and you think i'll sue
you for every penny, you for every pound.
perhaps you read me like a book you wish you never found.
so take your rose and shove it where you like.
cos i'm past all your pretence of being nice.
save your rose for your next valentine.
and don't ever think you will be mine

~ gugge

Its that day again, once more i'm not so hard.
please don't don't send yourself another sodden card!
~ scally 2000

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I slept with your mum,
She was better than you.
~ ajaj

Roses are red
Violet are blue
theres no words to describe ur mood
i love you
~ romeo

Love - groping, pining, obsession
St. Valentine’s day heaven
Found in an empty glass
We’re all just actors – empty promises from an empty cast,
Relational therapy for an empty heart

I love you
I love you too

Empty words spoken in midnight’s true hour
Spreads out among the many like blown petals of midnight blue flower
It stains our lips, stained in hypocrisy contains our quips,
It’s the St. Valentine’s day hits
Breathless words spoken from parted lips
Love – groping, pining, obsession
Lets just call it quits.

~ Caio Fiocco

Lonely Valentine

It’s just another lonely valentine
Not the first and wont be the last
You feel so empty inside
When all love is in the past
But all hope hasn’t died
Be my valentine

You learn as you get old
Lust leaves you bitter, love leaves you cold
I don’t think I’ve ever been in love in the past
One thing’s for sure, it didn’t last
Be my valentine

Happiness only lasts for a short while
When all you can do is smile
You walk round with chest puffed out
Coz she’s all you can think about
Be my valentine

In the end happiness dies
When you see no love in her eyes
You know it won’t be long
When everything you do seems to be wrong
Be my valentine

Every year it’s the same
I’ve only got myself to blame
It’s just another lonely valentine
Just wish that I could make you mine
Be my valentine

~ Shevo

oh how i hate valentines day
people always say it's the worst day
i just dont know what to do
so i cant see you
i just wanna say you can be stray
so dont nay nay nay
i can say you are just like rotten hay

now that it is pay day
it is time for you to say
go out with a guy called clay
so so say ha ha ha its ok okay kay kay kay
so say say say I HATE VALENTIE'S DAY.

~ by dawn, age 10

6 years married
5 years of hell
4 separations
3 times back
2 kids screaming
1 silent spouse
0 valentines.
We’re beyond all that.

~ Peter H

val and tine beer and wine
not a lover another an other
des per rate groping for
who knows what or when
and a cardboard message
mystery wo men

~ ? guesswho

Oh how I hate St Valentine’s day
Every year I hope and pray
That someone somewhere will have written to say
How much they’ll love me till I’m old and grey

I check for messages left on my phone
I check the post at work and home
I check next day for mail from afar
And check my inbox in case one’s there

And so another lonely year passes me by
I see all these couples with stars in their eyes
I think to myself, maybe one day that’ll be me
Kissing a hunk, up against a tree!

~ Helen

On Valentine’s Day I’d like to meet you.
Hang on, wait, I meant ‘…to EAT you’,
Suck out all your eyeball jelly
And stick knitting needles in your belly,

Pluck out all your body hair,
Make you regret that love affair.
Then slowly feed you slimy snails
And suck out all your fingernails.

So February 14th we should meet
In the graveyard next to Leopold Street,
And there my darling we shall dine
On broken hearts and lies in brine.

~ Benjamin M

There's one day in the year, that I can say I do fear
And I swear it's not Friday 13th.
I will promise you now,
(I don't care I'm a sow),
That Valentines Day needs a sheath.

It's corny and plastic and not that fantastic,
With flowers that lives waste away.
There's too much Ben Sherman and not enough Bourbon,
To get through this horrible day.

So I vow to you this; that this day I'll miss,
all the cards and the bears with pink ruffage.
Without hint or delay, it's quite certain I'll say,
I'd like mash with some gravy and sausage.

~ Fi

Here it comes roond again
I just canny wait
For all that mushy stuff
That we aw love to hate
I really canny be bothered whi it aw
It drive's me roond the bend
I've hated it since a bairn
Now I'm 28!
Couples holdin hands
Kissin in the streets
Get a bloody room guys
For all us single people's sake
I'm sick of aw this valentines shite
Teddys, cards and chocolates galore
I've just had aw that at Christmas
Why they hell do I what more!
To hear all the sickly poems
They make me sick in the heed
I think I'll hide away on
That bloody day
Go and do somethin intrestin
Like write my communications essay!
So from a lassie fie the highlands
Who thinks valentine day should be banned
I think there should be a new day made instead
Rather than a day we all want canned.

~ Lisa marie

pop goes bangers
mash mash mash
i like sausages
and to watch my man gnash
with lusty juicy gutsyness, cos he's hungry and a brute
i'm not
i'm a lady,
i really do play the flute, and the loot, honestly.
so i'll just poke my sausages, wiggle and giggle around my plate,

and try to be a lovely date

~ ruth

Each time this day comes around,
I am reminded of the faces and flesh of the past,
Women,
There is an abstract notion left,
that one valentines day,
I may be happy, and cheerful and smug.
Taking comfort in my "day" in my self-congratory way,
to spell out my "love" through another consumer fad.
Banal couples, clinging on, telling themselves they aren't alone, through this act of sickly sachrine financial crippling, day of narcissism, and a day for some - for self loathing.

~ Cyder

The Mardy Valentine

It's not that I don't love you
I'm just a stingy git
Who doesn't like the schmaltzy
Sentimentalism of it

It's not that I don't love you
(And, actually, I do;
I should bloody well hope you know that
If you know what's good for you)

Do I only need one special day
Each year to show devotion?
Hey,
I could take you for granted all year round
With a stubborn lack of emotion

Though I may not go for a grand display
With my heart on my sleeve in a big showy way
Still, I'll make you porridge when you're weak and pathetic
I'll stroke your hair when you least expect it
I'll smile at you 'cos your charm is magnetic
Just don't expect me to be all pink and fluffy
On ruddy St Valentine's Day

~ Sloe Jane

Driven beyond reasonable restraint

I'm bored of this and sick of you
There's nothing much now left to do
There's nothing really left to say
I might as well just slip away
(Though it's a good idea, no doubt
To wipe the knife on my way out).

~ Sweeney Bod